You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
