Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
