She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
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