there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
