Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
