she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
