When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
