Screwed.edu
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
