the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
