Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
