Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
