It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
