Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
