so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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