the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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