Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I met the friendliest cop last night
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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