It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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