if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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