The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
