At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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