omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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