Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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