How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
whose parrot is this?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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