look no pants
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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