Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
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