dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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