So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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