lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
not ubering you a puppy
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
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