ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
