Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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