I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
