I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
