i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
