no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
