There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
