I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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