i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
