I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My day in three words: secret purse cake
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
