my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
