I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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