are you still at the devil's house?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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