why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
