I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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