its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
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