I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
and you fell through a lawn chair
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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