so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
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