It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Don't EVER smell your tampon
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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