Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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