woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
