i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
