I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
