You're so nebulous sometimes
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
