Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
