you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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