I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
