he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
