tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Randomize
