she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
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