if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
