the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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