once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
