meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
